Posts Tagged ‘swim teams’

Swim Teams: Round Two

August 7, 2009

I blogged last summer about how much I hate swim teams. Once I moved to Ohio, I totally forgot about them. Nobody swims in Ohio. I mean, how are you going to make room for a swimming pool amongst all that corn? But yesterday, on a typical afternoon frozen yogurt, the feelings flooded back: I REALLY REALLY HATE SWIM TEAMS.

There was a caravan of delightfully decorated SUVs (because you can’t transport one soggy, wet 5-year-old in anything that gets more than 4 miles to the gallon) heading through Lafayette. When I say “delightful”, I mean STUPID. SO STUPID.

You can totally tell what these moms are thinking. Those giant shark fins are totally compensation for everything they lack. The mom with the biggest foam fin is totally the mom with the smallest dick. And you’ve got to love the window paint.

“Go Tommy! Swim fast! Your success will fill mommy with all the meaning that breast implants could not!”
“Go Tommy, win! Then, remember you have baseball practice after this and then Boy Scouts tonight! Remember not to eat, only skinny boys can WIN!”

I know I’m wrong. I was wrong last summer and I’m wrong again. But I really really fucking hate swim teams. They represent everything I hate about Lamorinda.

Just kidding. Swim teams are okay, I guess. Whatever. I’d be fine with it if they TOOK THOSE FUCKING FINS OFF THEIR CARS. And kept their drippy babies away from me.


Team Spirit, Moraga-Style

August 12, 2008

For the past week, there’s really only one thing I can remember that struck me as incredibly obnoxious.

SWIM TEAMS. Actually, not the teams, or the swimmers. Their cars.

The fucking obscene amount of SUVs, painted with flashy motivational messages. God damn. As if driving weren’t annoying enough, now I have to read “GO ROBBIE! SWIM FAST! WE LUUUUV YOU!” on the back of every fucking car I’m stuck behind at a red light.

This shouldn’t annoy me so much. Really. I get it, it’s team spirit. Little kids do swim team, and they are all so excited for the big meet. I understand; I feel that. I was bitching to my boyfriend (who swam until he was 15) about this, and he informed me that it’s not supposed to be annoying, the children are showing team spirit and the parents are showing their pride in their children. And it makes sense.


When I see all those decked-out cars, I don’t see spirit, I see Moraga moms at their best. Moraga moms, as a stereotype, are notorious for putting extreme amounts of pressure on their kid to be better than everyone else’s kid. There are exceptions (lots, actually!) but some of them are just ridiculous.

Let me do some Moragian -> English translation.

If someone’s rear window reads “Go, Jack, go! Swim fast! We love you!”, they really mean any of the following:

“Go, Jack! Swim to earn mommy’s love!”

“Go, Jack! Swim for mommy’s reputation!”

“Go, Jack! If you win, maybe tonight mommy won’t iron your face!”

“Go, Jack! Swim fast! And if all else fails, drown the opponent!”

Okay, okay. Maybe I’m wrong.

(I’m wrong.)

BUT I DON’T CARE. This is the vibe I get from these car messages. So to me, they don’t say “We love you!”, they say “We love you IF YOU WIN!”

And the funny thing is, no matter how wrong I am about swim teams and swim moms and Moraga, I can still try to indoctrinate you with my opinions because this is the internet. Thank god for that.

And, whoever put all those pink pirhanna pictures up, they’re cute and all, but not on every vertical surface in town. Please, as soon as you can be bothered, take them the fuck down. Thank you.

I swear, when I have children, they’re doing swim team. And they WILL like it. And when the big meet rolls around, I will write hilarious things on my windows. Ahh, the power of force.

P.S. I think swimmers are fantastic. They’re muscley and in shape and must be very dedicated to get up at 5 am for practice. These are all qualities I admire. Maybe Moraga moms should start painting pictures of their kid’s six-pack on their cars. This, to me, would be much more pleasant.