Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Happy Endings

September 10, 2008

I’m sure you’ll all be glad to know that Hector has found a home! Thanks to Facebook. It’s fantastic.

There’s another girl in my dorm who collects cacti. Facebook informed me of this. Upon inquiry, I discover that her cacti are named Henry and Herbie.

IT WAS MEANT TO BE. YAY!

So Hector is proudly residing in her dorm room. Henry, Herbie, and Hector. A cactus family. A threesome made in heaven. And by threesome I mean like a pair except three, not like sex. Cactus sex would hurt. Especially with Herbie, he’s really spiky, and I wouldn’t want to put Hector through that. Hector’s spikes are Q-Tips, he will one day be a pleasant, gentle lover for some lucky cactus chick. Unless cacti are in to sadomasochism. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, cacti; I don’t judge. Actually, I do, but not the sexual preferences of cacti. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

p.s. I actually haven’t until now. But, in case I drop out of college and write erotica for a living, it is a legitimate fetish to consider. I should keep notes.

Speaking of notes, did you know that after death, the heavenly spirits of ancient Chinese folk were commonly devoured by celestial wolves during their ascent to heaven?

Heaven is a dangerous place.

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A Typical Evening

August 30, 2008

We made a sex robot.

Not a robot for sex, but the robo-embodiment of sex.

His name is Pr0nbot 2. Observe.

Pr0nbot 2

Pr0nbot 2

Here’s a close up:

Torso

Torso

His chest is covered in vaguely sexual clippings from a Parents magazine. In case you can’t read what it says:

“Hard. Easy.”
“What does love smell like? Tickle here to find out.”
“You Chews.”
“You want it. You need it. Now get it.”
“Every wonder what yum smells like?”
“Spit it out already!”
“The perfect muffin has arrived!”
“Sharing doesn’t come naturally, but playing games does.”
“Now you’re cooking.”
“We talk about it at every opportunity…”
“Treat yourself with every bite.”
“You put natural things into what you made. So do we.”
“No more crying and no more wincing.”
“I wanna get down!”
“When you’re this sure, get a little creative.”
“Shave for a cause!”
“Limp, limp, limp.”

And my personal favorite:

“Do you long for LONG?”

I swear, we went to a party AFTER we did this. Really. And Pr0nbot 2 faithfully guarded our room against the throngs of drunk chicks roaming the halls.

Doesn’t “Twisted Side Pony” sound like some kind of perverse sex position? Yes, it does.