Posts Tagged ‘laundry’

Mystery: Unsolved

August 24, 2008

I’m sure you’ll be as ecstatic as I was to discover that the redone laundry does not stink of mystery feet. It smells rather delicious now, actually.

So instead of eating the box of detergent to sublimate my anger, I ate half of a can of Nutella to celebrate.

I’ll never take clean clothes for granted ever, ever again.

Now, if only I knew why everything smelled of feet in the first place. I should call CSI. Except that they’d be all:

“Miss, we found traces of blood, pus, and semen on your walls. Do you remember finding disembodied feet in your drawers?”

Because that’s what happens on every episode of CSI that I’ve ever seen.

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As if I needed to smell any worse…

August 24, 2008

For the last two months, I’ve been rooting through all my clothes and cleaning out my drawers.

And I have noticed that a lot of my clothes smell really strongly of feet. But they aren’t socks. They’re sweaters, pants, t-shirts, and shit like that. NO SOCKS.

The feet-clothes are never concentrated in one drawer. They’re everywhere. Scattered all over my room.

Swear to god, it’s been happening since June. AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, YOU GUYS.

Remember that LAMA concert I was telling you about? When I pulled my fancy black dress out of my drawer…FEET. IT SMELLED OF DISGUSTING FEET. I had to Febreeze it and roll around on my front lawn to get the smell out. GROSS. The girls agreed with me, it smelled like nasty feet. It’s not just in my head.

So, last night, I pull a nice, clean load of laundry out of the dryer. As I’m carrying it to my room, I notice that something seems unpleasant. I smell the laundry.

THE SMELL OF FEET. FUCKING FEET. ALL OVER EVERYTHING. SOUR, NASTY, SWEATY, SPORTY FEET. DSFDFSDSSDFSFD.

I’M USING CAPS LOCK NOW BECAUSE I’M REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF. I HATE SMELLING LIKE A DEAD PERSON’S FOOT.

MY SOCKS DIDN’T EVEN SMELL LIKE FEET BEFORE I WASHED THEM. NOW THEY DO. WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS. THERE WAS NO FEETY SMELL IN THAT LAUNDRY. MY UNWASHED LAUNDRY SMELLED LIKE ARMPIT. NOT FEET. THE DETERGENT SMELLS GOOD. THE WASHER SMELLS WATERY, BUT GOOD. THE DRYER SMELLS LIKE RUINED ELECTRONICS THAT I’VE FRIED IN MY PANT POCKETS OVER THE YEARS…JUST KIDDING IT SMELLS GOOD.

I’M REDOING THIS LOAD OF LAUNDRY NOW AND IF IT COMES OUT SMELLING LIKE FEET, I’M GOING TO EAT THE ENTIRE BOX OF DETERGENT AND THEN SAW OFF MY ARMS.

On top of this, there’s some horde of people playing African drums really loudly behind my house. And cheering at inappropriate times. This is unacceptable. Especially at 11:30 a.m., which might as well be 6 a.m. for me, because I’m always tired regardless of the hour.

Fuck.

The laundry is done.

And I’m scared.