Posts Tagged ‘family’

Happy Endings

September 10, 2008

I’m sure you’ll all be glad to know that Hector has found a home! Thanks to Facebook. It’s fantastic.

There’s another girl in my dorm who collects cacti. Facebook informed me of this. Upon inquiry, I discover that her cacti are named Henry and Herbie.


So Hector is proudly residing in her dorm room. Henry, Herbie, and Hector. A cactus family. A threesome made in heaven. And by threesome I mean like a pair except three, not like sex. Cactus sex would hurt. Especially with Herbie, he’s really spiky, and I wouldn’t want to put Hector through that. Hector’s spikes are Q-Tips, he will one day be a pleasant, gentle lover for some lucky cactus chick. Unless cacti are in to sadomasochism. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, cacti; I don’t judge. Actually, I do, but not the sexual preferences of cacti. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

p.s. I actually haven’t until now. But, in case I drop out of college and write erotica for a living, it is a legitimate fetish to consider. I should keep notes.

Speaking of notes, did you know that after death, the heavenly spirits of ancient Chinese folk were commonly devoured by celestial wolves during their ascent to heaven?

Heaven is a dangerous place.


Complaint Overload

August 1, 2008

I went to LA this weekend to visit some family.

Bad, bad, BAD idea.

I’m not going to go into detail as to why, since this is the internet, but I’ll condense it in to a few key bits:

1. Dog shit

My aunt lives in a landfill. There’s dog shit everywhere. And if there’s not shit, there are shit stains. Or pee. On every fucking inch of the house. I feel contaminated with some kind of deadly fecal worm or spore just from having breathed in that air for two days.

2. “Green”

“Oh honey, M and I were watching a TV show about being GREEN. We love being GREEN. We always turn off the lights, use a cloth bag at the grocery store, and want to install solar panels, ’cause that’s the GREEN thing to do.”

“Yes, J, because being environmentally conscious is hip now.”

“Oh, no! M and I were GREEN way before it was hip. I’ve been driving a hybrid for like, a year!”

(A hybrid SUV, which carries her and her giant electric scooter that she doesn’t need, to drive a block to the supermarket. Oh J, you’re so “greeeeen”.)

“Oh, and Em, if you don’t know what career you want, how about a career that’s GREEN? Wouldn’t it be nice, making money being GREEN and helping others be GREEN?”

“I’d rather be pink.”


As far as trends go, it’s cool that being environmentally friendly is one of them. Really. But it’s kind of a joke, sometimes…What about those lipstick bottles that are made from special paper with flower seeds, so that if you plant the tube, beautiful wildflowers will grow? Cool idea, yes. But let’s get real. No one plants lipstick. Can wildflowers grow in a landfill? How disappointing.

3. FroYo orgasm

Mother of God. Sunday was the last time I am ever to set foot in a Pinkberry. First, and last. So, my aunt orders these two heaping things of yogurt. And I do not want one. So:

“Don’t like it? Geez Em, I don’t know, but something about Pinkberry…it just SENDS me! *insert weird arm thrusts and oddly orgasmic noise here*.”

Sweet Jesus. Coming from her, it is the most disgusting utterance I have ever experienced. I vomited a little upon hearing that one.

“Sends me”? That, to me, just screams “sexual pleasure”. She really should have just been like “Yeah, Pinkberry gets me off.” Fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of, unless, I don’t know, they are.

I’m sorry, Pinkberry, but that is the last time you have seen my horrified face within 15 feet of any of your stores.

So, anyway. That basically sums up my weekend. There were a lot of more serious reasons why it was an awful weekend, but serious and internet don’t go well together.

But, for five glorious hours, I got to escape. I hung out with my older cousin Brandon and his girlfriend Moye, both very hilarious and generally awesome people. Which made the trip worth it, in the end, because we talked about horror movies and pro-anorexia Xanga groups. Two of my favorite topics of conversation ever, really. It was great.