Posts Tagged ‘EWW’

Blind Fury

September 18, 2008

Yeah. YEAH. You want to know why?

I brought, like, four pairs of pants with me to college. I’ve been wearing my good pair of jeans for the last, I don’t know, three weeks?

(SHUT UP, IT’S NOT GROSS. THEY’RE PANTS.)

So, today, I decided it would be a good idea to wear my other pair of jeans. I put them on. La-dee-da, brush hair, brush teeth…hmm. Something seems a little off. What could it be?

OH, OF COURSE.

MY PANTS SMELLED LIKE MOTHERFUCKING FEET.

THE SAME NASTY, ROTTEN, DISGUSTING FEET SMELL THAT I BATTLED WITH ALL SUMMER LONG.

IT FOLLOWED ME TO FUCKING OHIO.

I AM SO MAD I COULD BARF. AND EVEN THAT WOULD SMELL BETTER THAN FUCKING DEAD PEOPLE MYSTERY LAUNDRY FEET.

THEY WERE FRESH OUT OF THE DRAWER, TOO. I HAVEN’T WORN THEM OR WASHED THEM SINCE I’VE GOTTEN HERE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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WHAT THE FUCK.

September 5, 2008

GOD DAMN.

Here’s the story. So, I thought Hector the robocactus was stinking up my room. So I tried everything in my power to de-stink him. Then, yesterday, I got home from class and our room STILL smelled. So, heartbroken, I put Hector in the hallway with a sign that said “I need a home!”, and turned my back on him.

Hector in the Hallway

Hector in the Hallway

BUT THE ROOM WAS STILL STINKY.

So, I set out to find the true source of the stinkiness. I got down on my hands and knees and crawled around, sniffing our carpet.

And then I found the stinky spot. This large, slightly discolored spot by my closet. Ew. I got some dishwasing soap and a sponge, and scrubbed away.

Then, I realized: Wait. This is where my shower caddy has been sitting.

WAIT. THIS IS MOLD.

So, I stopped scrubbing and googled “remove carpet mold”.

And, of course, the first thing that I read is:

“WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TOUCH MOLD WITH YOUR BARE HANDS OR INHALE.”

Of course, I read that after spending an hour scrubbing the floor with my bare hands and sniffing the carpet WITH MY FACE, LIKE, AN INCH AWAY FROM THE MOLD SPOT.

FUUUUUCK.

Supposedly, someone is coming to clean it today, because my technique did not work as effectively as it should have. But I have to pay now. Shit.

I’ve been talking to other girls in my hall, and they all leave their shower shit on the ground too. Mine seems to be the only one that has grown mold. Either I’m icky, or smells just feel drawn to me. Maybe both.

According to Google:

SYMPTOMS OF MOLD INHALATION

1. Coughing

2. Irritation

3. …

4. Convulsions

5. Death

I haven’t been experiencing death or convulsions, but I have a cough. AND I AM VERY IRRITATED. GRR.

When I start coughing up mushrooms, I’ll start worrying. Now, no.

The silver lining?

HECTOR GETS TO STAY. WOOHOO!

As if I needed to smell any worse…

August 24, 2008

For the last two months, I’ve been rooting through all my clothes and cleaning out my drawers.

And I have noticed that a lot of my clothes smell really strongly of feet. But they aren’t socks. They’re sweaters, pants, t-shirts, and shit like that. NO SOCKS.

The feet-clothes are never concentrated in one drawer. They’re everywhere. Scattered all over my room.

Swear to god, it’s been happening since June. AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY, YOU GUYS.

Remember that LAMA concert I was telling you about? When I pulled my fancy black dress out of my drawer…FEET. IT SMELLED OF DISGUSTING FEET. I had to Febreeze it and roll around on my front lawn to get the smell out. GROSS. The girls agreed with me, it smelled like nasty feet. It’s not just in my head.

So, last night, I pull a nice, clean load of laundry out of the dryer. As I’m carrying it to my room, I notice that something seems unpleasant. I smell the laundry.

THE SMELL OF FEET. FUCKING FEET. ALL OVER EVERYTHING. SOUR, NASTY, SWEATY, SPORTY FEET. DSFDFSDSSDFSFD.

I’M USING CAPS LOCK NOW BECAUSE I’M REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF. I HATE SMELLING LIKE A DEAD PERSON’S FOOT.

MY SOCKS DIDN’T EVEN SMELL LIKE FEET BEFORE I WASHED THEM. NOW THEY DO. WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS. THERE WAS NO FEETY SMELL IN THAT LAUNDRY. MY UNWASHED LAUNDRY SMELLED LIKE ARMPIT. NOT FEET. THE DETERGENT SMELLS GOOD. THE WASHER SMELLS WATERY, BUT GOOD. THE DRYER SMELLS LIKE RUINED ELECTRONICS THAT I’VE FRIED IN MY PANT POCKETS OVER THE YEARS…JUST KIDDING IT SMELLS GOOD.

I’M REDOING THIS LOAD OF LAUNDRY NOW AND IF IT COMES OUT SMELLING LIKE FEET, I’M GOING TO EAT THE ENTIRE BOX OF DETERGENT AND THEN SAW OFF MY ARMS.

On top of this, there’s some horde of people playing African drums really loudly behind my house. And cheering at inappropriate times. This is unacceptable. Especially at 11:30 a.m., which might as well be 6 a.m. for me, because I’m always tired regardless of the hour.

Fuck.

The laundry is done.

And I’m scared.