Archive for the ‘complaint’ Category

Swim Teams: Round Two

August 7, 2009

I blogged last summer about how much I hate swim teams. Once I moved to Ohio, I totally forgot about them. Nobody swims in Ohio. I mean, how are you going to make room for a swimming pool amongst all that corn? But yesterday, on a typical afternoon frozen yogurt, the feelings flooded back: I REALLY REALLY HATE SWIM TEAMS.

There was a caravan of delightfully decorated SUVs (because you can’t transport one soggy, wet 5-year-old in anything that gets more than 4 miles to the gallon) heading through Lafayette. When I say “delightful”, I mean STUPID. SO STUPID.

You can totally tell what these moms are thinking. Those giant shark fins are totally compensation for everything they lack. The mom with the biggest foam fin is totally the mom with the smallest dick. And you’ve got to love the window paint.

“Go Tommy! Swim fast! Your success will fill mommy with all the meaning that breast implants could not!”
“Go Tommy, win! Then, remember you have baseball practice after this and then Boy Scouts tonight! Remember not to eat, only skinny boys can WIN!”

I know I’m wrong. I was wrong last summer and I’m wrong again. But I really really fucking hate swim teams. They represent everything I hate about Lamorinda.

Just kidding. Swim teams are okay, I guess. Whatever. I’d be fine with it if they TOOK THOSE FUCKING FINS OFF THEIR CARS. And kept their drippy babies away from me.

Emily is donating her status to SHUT UP.

November 4, 2008

Okay. I have a totally irrational, meaningless complaint. Thank god this blog exists. Ready?

I really appreciate that our generation is taking interest in politics. I think it’s really cool. But honestly? BARACK OBAMA DOESN’T CARE THAT HIS NAME IS IN YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS 800 TIMES A DAY.

Okay, time to ‘fess up. I was SO going to vote for John McCain. I had my absentee ballot in hand, pencil at the ready…but of course, after checking my facebook and seeing that so-and-so REALLY wanted me to vote for Obama, I decided to swing the other way. I mean, if 500,000 people donate their statuses to him, whatever the fuck that means, then he really must be the right candidate.

WHAT THE FUCK? IT’S FUCKING FACEBOOK. DO YOU THINK THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS? NO. IT DOESN’T.

DEAR GOD. Change your statuses back to “_____ is OMGZZzz so in love with edward cuLLeN!!!!” That’ll make more of an impact than donating your status to Obama. I promise.

p.s. I like how voting is the new cool thing to do. It’s better than buying Uggs or getting high by asphixiation.

YAY.

October 7, 2008

I was accepted to be one of Oberlin’s student bloggers! Woohoo!

The thought that I am going to be paid to write shit like this is pretty mind-blowing…and fantastic. Best job ever.

However, I have my Chinese Thought and Religion midterm tomorrow. EWW. Too many philosophers to keep straight, and they all have the same mustache.

Minimal complaining

September 23, 2008

I really have had nothing to complain about lately, and it’s really pretty depressing.

A few days ago, a cicada decided it might be a good idea to live outside our window.

…Motherfucker.

I even saw it on the window, but decided it would go away. I could have killed it while I had the chance. But no.

I think it did eventually leave or die or something. Okay, complaint resolved. That was kinda lame.

The pee wind is back. That’s a shame as well.

But really, life has been pretty nice lately. My classes are fun, my pants finally expanded again, hula hooping is awesome, as is marching band, etc.

I got off campus for the first time on Sunday! I went with marching band to some little restaurant called Steak ‘N’ Shake. It was gross, but fantastic because anything that isn’t from the dining hall is delicious to me right now. Even though our dining hall is pretty good. Oh well.

I got in to Wind Ensemble! I’m very excited. We’re playing Children’s March. YESSSS.

It’s been a nice week. Hopefully the rest of the year is this cool.

Blind Fury

September 18, 2008

Yeah. YEAH. You want to know why?

I brought, like, four pairs of pants with me to college. I’ve been wearing my good pair of jeans for the last, I don’t know, three weeks?

(SHUT UP, IT’S NOT GROSS. THEY’RE PANTS.)

So, today, I decided it would be a good idea to wear my other pair of jeans. I put them on. La-dee-da, brush hair, brush teeth…hmm. Something seems a little off. What could it be?

OH, OF COURSE.

MY PANTS SMELLED LIKE MOTHERFUCKING FEET.

THE SAME NASTY, ROTTEN, DISGUSTING FEET SMELL THAT I BATTLED WITH ALL SUMMER LONG.

IT FOLLOWED ME TO FUCKING OHIO.

I AM SO MAD I COULD BARF. AND EVEN THAT WOULD SMELL BETTER THAN FUCKING DEAD PEOPLE MYSTERY LAUNDRY FEET.

THEY WERE FRESH OUT OF THE DRAWER, TOO. I HAVEN’T WORN THEM OR WASHED THEM SINCE I’VE GOTTEN HERE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Fifty-sixpeat

September 9, 2008

I have been listening to February Song by Josh Groban on repeat for the last day and a half. I’m on 56…wait for it…57.

Ahh, Josh.

I AM SICK OF READING. I WANT TO HULA HOOP.

p.s. Hula hooping is really fun. Especially when you get academic credits for it.

Ancient China can wait. It’s not going anywhere. The sun is out…

WHAT THE FUCK.

September 5, 2008

GOD DAMN.

Here’s the story. So, I thought Hector the robocactus was stinking up my room. So I tried everything in my power to de-stink him. Then, yesterday, I got home from class and our room STILL smelled. So, heartbroken, I put Hector in the hallway with a sign that said “I need a home!”, and turned my back on him.

Hector in the Hallway

Hector in the Hallway

BUT THE ROOM WAS STILL STINKY.

So, I set out to find the true source of the stinkiness. I got down on my hands and knees and crawled around, sniffing our carpet.

And then I found the stinky spot. This large, slightly discolored spot by my closet. Ew. I got some dishwasing soap and a sponge, and scrubbed away.

Then, I realized: Wait. This is where my shower caddy has been sitting.

WAIT. THIS IS MOLD.

So, I stopped scrubbing and googled “remove carpet mold”.

And, of course, the first thing that I read is:

“WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TOUCH MOLD WITH YOUR BARE HANDS OR INHALE.”

Of course, I read that after spending an hour scrubbing the floor with my bare hands and sniffing the carpet WITH MY FACE, LIKE, AN INCH AWAY FROM THE MOLD SPOT.

FUUUUUCK.

Supposedly, someone is coming to clean it today, because my technique did not work as effectively as it should have. But I have to pay now. Shit.

I’ve been talking to other girls in my hall, and they all leave their shower shit on the ground too. Mine seems to be the only one that has grown mold. Either I’m icky, or smells just feel drawn to me. Maybe both.

According to Google:

SYMPTOMS OF MOLD INHALATION

1. Coughing

2. Irritation

3. …

4. Convulsions

5. Death

I haven’t been experiencing death or convulsions, but I have a cough. AND I AM VERY IRRITATED. GRR.

When I start coughing up mushrooms, I’ll start worrying. Now, no.

The silver lining?

HECTOR GETS TO STAY. WOOHOO!

Alright.

September 4, 2008

College has been fun, but I’ll take a diploma now.

I’m already sick of class and it’s the second day. It’s not boring or anything, I just really hate learning.

P.S. Just kidding. My classes are actually kind of fantastic, especially Russian. My professors seem like cool people. I just have a really, REALLY annoying alarm clock that basically ensures that I start every day pissed off.

P.P.S. MARCHING BAND.

Okay, that’s all.

SIDE NOTE.

I made a large cardboard robocactus two days ago. His name is Hector. And now, our entire room smells like rabbit shit. The sour, gross kind. (Believe me, I am a connoisseur of animal poop. Observing it was my job, and it was never one to be taken lightly.)

SINCE WHEN DOES CARDBOARD DO THAT? EVEN FEBREEZE WILL NOT REMOVE THE ODOR. DAMN.

Hector is jammed in my window, proudly displayed to the North Quad, to air him out a little bit. If the smell doesn’t dissipate, I’m afraid he’ll have to be done away with. That would make me so sad; he’s like my child. If I have to get rid of him, I’ll never create with cardboard again; I don’t think my fragile heart could take another beating like that.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY.

IS THE SMELL OF ANIMAL SHIT REALLY GOING TO FOLLOW ME AROUND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

No one will ever marry me. Except maybe someone nasally-impaired. Like that man who was mauled by a bear and lost half of his face! I should call him.

Not okay.

September 1, 2008

Excuse me, Chinese Thought and Religion? Just who do you think you are?

Do you think you’re the class I just HAD to take? That my life would not go on without you?

No. No. You’re the class that I reluctantly added to boost my credit hours.

Yes, you sound interesting. Ish.

But really, do you think that makes it okay to require SIX FUCKING TEXTBOOKS?

NO. THAT’S NOT OKAY. SIX. $150. FOR ONE CLASS.

HONESTLY? I CAN STUDY ASIAN CULTURE FOR FREE BY HANGING OUT AT THE CONSERVATORY.

DON’T PUSH IT, OBERLIN.

I slept for twelve hours last night. And I will do it again tonight. Ahh.

More Unsolved Mysteries

August 29, 2008

Something outside my dorm room makes horrible noises. Every hour of the day, with brief breaks.

The noise isn’t really that horrible, just annoying.

It sounds like some really tall man outside my window is peeing into a very short, empty toilet.

I know, it’s college, and I expect that sort of thing. Really. But it’s annoying, and he starts and stops a lot.

Unless it’s not pee; maybe it’s just the wind.

That would be so boring.