Proof that I will soon die

In 12 days or so, my friend Lucy are leaving on an 8-day cross-country road trip. SO EXCITED! However, in preparation, I made the wise decision to watch every single horror movie about road trips in existence. (Almost.)

GOD DAMN! Who knew so much could go wrong?!?! So far, I have learned these things about road trips:
1. Pretty girls are always die. Especially if they’re slutty and/or stupid as fuck.
EXCEPTION: A pretty girl might survive under the condition that she is introverted and suspicious, or willing to kill all her friends.
2. People having sex always die first.
3. Tents are easily slashed with just the right knife.
4. Never pee in rest stops, or you will be stranded there and eventually tortured.
5. Never follow a detour sign, especially not cardboard ones.
6. Never accept an invitation to the Guts ‘n Glory Festival.
7. Amish people are not to be trusted.

So, to avoid painful torturous death, I resolve to:
1. Be really ugly all the time.
2. Wear a wedding ring and call my fake husband on a nightly basis.
3. Pee in the car while in transit.
4. Bring a gun and kill everyone I see (besides Lucy).

Okay, I feel better.

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